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twi-whuh?
Friday, December 19, 2008
I watched
Twilight just now (with Minnie and Amanda). Those of you who omgabsolutelyLURRRRRVE the book might not want to read on, because as many of my students are aware, I loathe the Twilight series with a vengeance. Anyway, I tried to be objective about the movie. Here are my resultant observations.
*** SPOILER ALERT! DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE MOVIE AND ARE INTENDING TO! ***
The Cast
1. Kristen Stewart (KS) is pretty. Very pretty.
2. Robert Pattinson (RP) is also very pretty, but not as pretty as KS.
3. Both KS and RP appear capable of only 2 expressions each. KS is either bored (with other people) or lustful (with RP). RP is... OK my mistake, RP is only capable of one expression: looking like a piece of smouldering cardboard.
4. The vampires are also very pretty. The one who plays Alice is my favourite. The rest all look TOO pretty to be vampires.
The Plot (or Lack Thereof)
5. Why the hell is this movie called Twilight? There's only ever night and day. Where's the twilight?
6. How come Bella transfers to the new school and immediately everyone is asking her out? Why? Why? Where is the justice in this world? ... Oh I forgot, there's something called wish fulfilment.
7. Why is Bella so infuriatingly rude? The waitress at the diner tells her she's gotten so gorgeous and the stupid girl rolls her eyes. If I were the waitress I'd stab her eyes out, yeah, roll some more la. Then she's rude to her dad. Everything is like, huh, ok, yeah. DUH. What a lame vocabulary you have. She's even rude to Edward! And she implies that HE'S rude to HER! "You don't even say hi to me." Eergh I want to strangle her so irritating.
8. Come to think of it, if Bella is supposed to be so smart, why does she keep asking Edward retarded questions? "Are you going to tell me the truth?" Duh, if he were he would have by now. Silly bint.
9. The part where Edward is revealing his true self to her is OMG SO LAME. He keeps going on about, oh I'm a monster, I hate myself, I'm no good for you etc etc, and she's busy drooling at him and going, oh I don't care, it doesn't matter, I want to be with you etc etc. Hello? Newsflash? You've known the dude for like, what, 3 weeks tops, and you don't
care that he's a bloodsucking vampire who could very well kill you, not to mention is one of the
living dead? I can't even
begin to point out how incredibly irresponsible, impulsive and plain stupid that is. And I'm serious about the drooling. You can SEE the lust on her face. It's kind of gross.
10. Speaking of OMG SO LAME, the Sparkling-In-Sunlight(TM) Vampire deserves Lame Moment of the Movie award. Edward stands in a pool of light and looks at her with the angst of all the teenage boys in the world combined, and his skin
sparkles. Like
diamonds. I don't know about you, but all the vampires I know either fade away or spontaneously combust in sunlight. I'd rather have screaming pile of ashes over sparkly angsty sweaty-looking humanoid any time. Huh. Sparkling vampire. What a joke.
11. My favourite scene in the movie is also one of the lamest. Superhuman baseball? What kind of lameass game is that? That said, it's a visually entertaining lameass game. The MTV style way in which it's shot is also nice to watch. But Edward and Bella are so annoying you soon forget it.
12. Actually, Edward and Bella, although they are the main reason for the movie (heck, they're the ONLY reason for the movie), are SO *^&#ing annoying they're also the main reason I hate the movie. There is only Edward and Bella. Everybody else exists either to make Edward more sullen and dreamy, or to make Bella more beautiful and desirable. There's a part where Edward says to Bella, "You are my life now," or some equivalent tripe, and it makes me think, how pathetic is this guy, that he had no life before he met this vapid, brainless excuse of a heroine?
Nothing else happens in this show except Edward and Bella. Bella only ever talks to other people because she wants to find out things about Edward (what a user). Edward only talks to his own family (who are equally disgusting in the way they keep pawing each other. Incest bells are ringing).
Well. Ranting aside, the music was nice, and the scenery shots were pretty cool. The cinematography is rather blue, and it makes the vampires look more like Calvin Klein models with attitude problems than the bloodthirsty killers Edward keeps going on and on about them being. (Really, he's like a broken record. He and his stupid Bella. Both cannot shut up. Irritating.)
The BEST part? The end credits, because they play Linkin Park. Ugh, stupid show.
Labels: twilight is a piece of crap
and i'll return to you somehow: 22:55
